Hay...
She wasn't a PSP to me though I met her in this industry. She was someone I truly loved as my girlfriend.
I'm not sure if this is the right place to talk about this. Pero wala na akong ibang mapuntahan para ibuhos ang nararamdaman ko and I think fellow GMs and PSPs can understand. Di ko siya mahanap site, so hopefully di na niya mabasa ito.
It's ironic, I vowed never to fall in love in this industry. It's too messy. Most of us in this industry are broken in some way (unless you're a psychopath). And I'm not in a position to be able to marry that person and be a good husband. Whenever I started falling in love with a PSP, I would walk away before my feelings developed further.
But this lady, this lady was something else. Yes she was utterly beautiful no doubt. But I've been with models and I can tell you beauty gets old fast (I was an AWR user). Someone of her beauty could have easily become materialistic and arrogant, but her outer appearance definitely matched her character. She was an incredibly kind, humble, generous, and good person. She was dealt a bad hand in this world which is why she got into this industry. She was and is a strong person. In many ways stronger than me. Despite all the times she was hurt and betrayed; she still found a way to smile, to laugh, and love others. She still chose to love those that hurt her. If it happened to me I would've become so bitter. I would sometimes tell her she was too kind but I would always find her strength to be kind so inspiring.
5 years ago a PSP had just screwed me over. I vowed never again. Then I met her. Ha, she was funny and loud. I didn't think I'd fall in love with her or her with me. I don't know why at that time why I didn't just walk away. I was tired I guess. Tired of walking away from PSPs that I got feelings for. I figured I should just let her walk away this time. Ha! what a foolish idea
.
IT HURTS so much more now than if I had just walked away.
But I don't regret it. Those were 5 wonderful and beautiful years. I'm glad I was able to help her in anyway I was able to. If I had any regrets it was that I wasn't able to help her as much as I wanted. I wish I had pushed her harder to find a brighter future for herself. I wish I told her I loved her more; I wish I told her she was lovable, strong, capable, and beautiful more often even though I know I'd couldn't say it enough times. I wish I saw her more often and ditched my other obligations. And of the times I unintentionally said hurtful things.
And she helped me grow as a person. Her kindness and optimism were infectious. Though not always appreciated by this world. I became more patient and kind. I became more sensitive, considerate, and a bit optimistic.
But we had to break up. I was hurting her for staying knowing that we could never be together as a family and give her the life she deserved. So many times I wished otherwise
What pains me more is that I wasn't able to get her out of this industry and follow a different path. I hope she finds someone that truly deserves her.
For now it has been a month since our breakup. Still hurting, hopefully writing this will help me move on. I cannot bring myself to walk for now. If only she cheated on me, it would make it so much easier for me to move on 😅
Haaay...
Ewan, sorry for the ramblings.
